You know what’s great? Halloween. You know what’s also great? Kids’ halloween costumes. You know what’s weird? Looking at kids halloween costumes when you don’t have kids… unless you’re “doing it for a friend.”
So here, for you all to enjoy, is my open letter to Grace about what she should dress her kids as for Halloween.
1. Predatory animal onesie
Because there’s nothing cuter than a baby in an animal onesie. Plus, this one comes with a plush zebra so your little carnivore can munch on his soft plush toy and look like he’s actually eating a zebra. Cute, right? Right. I know how to parent.
You can get it on amazon. We’re not famous enough to get any sort of benefit from your purchases, so don’t worry, I’m not shilling anything, I’m just here to help.
Okay, so, technically this is a “big boy” costume for “big boys 8-20.” Wait, what? Is that an age range? A size range? It’s one size fits all. Or maybe it’s 8-20 months? But that kid looks old. I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m sure Atlas will grow into it and also I just need you to pay money to support the creative genius that came up with this costume.
Buy it at Macy’s. Because this costume is stocked at Macy’s. (Someone should probably check on Macy’s.)
3. Jojo Siwa
Okay look. Lucy is kind and brilliant and beautiful and surely off to do great things. Jojo Siwa managed to turn her stint on DanceMoms and music videos like this into a viral marketing hustle with literally a billion products. You might not like what she’s selling, but you have to admire her hustle, and I want Lucy to have her own damn empire one day. So.
You can also buy this at Macy’s.
4. A Mouse, duh.
When you want either of your little angels to look like something out of a low-budget but oddly horrifying scary movie, please dress them in this and then record the reactions of people who open the door when they go trick-or-treating.
Buy it at Target, because I guess they literally have everthing.
5. Lightning McQueen from that stupid movie, Cars
So I originally went to the Pottery Barn Kids website because they have these obscenely gorgeous, expensive, light-up fairy princess costumes that I snapchatted to Grace once, and I wanted to feature something beautiful and ridiculous that a girl like Lucy deserves. But then I realized this post is a train-wreck and this is much more fitting.
So, in addition to aforementioned beautiful fairy Halloween costumes, apparently Pottery Barn Kids also has Cars costumes and they’re marketing to girls, of course, to subvert gender norms and be very modern. And look, if your little girl wants to be a car, I am all for it. But also, they originally priced this costume at $79, which is actually absurd. And Disney really needs to move on from Cars and that clearly isn’t happening any time soon and ugh.
Buy it at Pottery Barn Kids for the low discounted price of $46.99 because even they realize they may have made a mistake here.
6. A Glitter Kissy-Face Emoji costume
“It’s modern and relevant and shows we’re cool and hashtag tech savvy, like the Emoji Movie! Oh wait…oh god we’ve made a mistake. You ordered how many units? Quick, price it below Lightning McQueen and maybe people will just buy it to say it’s Pottery Barn.”
Also at Pottery Barn Kids. And no, I have nothing else to say about it.
Look, Grace, I’d apologize, but I had a great time writing this. And Lucy would be a cute emoji and Atlas will grow up to be a great cheeseburger.
…So. What are y’all dressing your kids up as for Halloween?
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image courtesy of raw pixel