5 Quick, Affordable Halloween Costumes for the Once-Enterprising Millennial

Halloween is coming up and you’re broke as hell but still wanna boast a unique, clever costume. Don’t worry – I’ve got you. Here are 5 Halloween costume ideas guaranteed to make you the hit of the party you’ll regret attending after too many vodka cranberries cause you to sleep with Kylo Ren.

1. A Quarter-life Crisis

If you’re in your early to mid-twenties, chances are you’ve already wasted lived a quarter of your life. All of your easy, carefree years are behind you, and now you have a lifetime of bill-paying and responsibilities ahead.  In five years you’ll be close to thirty; in ten years, you’ll be edging close to forty. If you die at seventy, that’s half your life gone! You’ve basically got one foot in the grave! Wow,  you really shouldn’t have pissed away all of your youth, but there’s still time to cling to what’s left – you can do this by dyeing your hair a wacky color, or joining a roller derby team, or taking an impulse job across the country!

For this costume you will need one potent panic attack, a bottle of Arctic Fox Violet Dream hair dye, and a pint of Halo Top ice cream for when you inevitably burst into tears and shout “but I had plans!”

2. Early Onset Fear of Mortality

If the Quarter-life Crisis costume isn’t your thing, no big. You can shift gears only slightly and go as Early Onset Fear of Mortality! All that life-expectancy math from above likely had you sweating slightly as you realized that you’re quickly flipping through the chapters of your life, and the final chapter – Death – is looming ever closer on the horizon. This probably makes you question your entire spiritual belief system, and you’re thinking that deep down, in your gut, no matter what you were told on Sunday mornings as a child, there is nothing after death. Simply nothing. It all just ends, and the world continues without you, and eventually everyone forgets your name and the sound of your voice, and your body, once so powerful and full of vigor, becomes a brittle husk of what could have been.

For this costume you will need a sudden wave of nauseating depression, a decade’s worth of pent-up screams, and a set of fishnet tights.

For the tasteful mental breakdown.

3. Pit of Existential Despair

Maybe the Fear of Mortality is only a passing terror and you’ve made peace with the fact that you will someday die and be forgotten. But with thoughts of death come thoughts of purpose, things such as ‘what is the point of it all?’ and ‘what am I doing that’s worthwhile?’ For some of us, these thoughts are terrifying since it feels like we’re doing nothing with our lives. I mean, some of us aren’t even monetizing our blogs, for Christ’s sake – that’s right! All these posts are meaningless! My life is meaningless! I am meaningless!

For this costume you will need an unexpectedly violent crying jag, a well-meaning friend telling you that ‘you are doing something, you’re raising two kids!’, and really heavy black liner on the top and bottom lids.

4. Inevitable Nihilistic Apathy

Another #relatable costume guaranteed to get lots of Instagram likes is Inevitable Nihilistic Apathy. This is when you embrace the fact that there is no reason for doing anything, and acknowledge that death is the only constant. All things of importance are only constructs and you are tired of pretending to live for any grander purpose. Instead, you are going to be governed purely by your own base drives because there is literally no reason not to.

For this costume you will need a shattered spirit, a handle of Russian vodka, and a Costco-sized box of condoms.

5. Any character from the Suicide Squad but, like, ironically

Remember this trainwreck of a movie? Yeah you do! God, it was so bad, right? So bad. Jared Leto’s Joker was the worst, wow, what a joke. So why not go as any of the lead characters? Don’t worry – people will totally get that you’re making fun of it, and you’ll definitely be the only Harley Quinn at the party.

For this costume you will need absolutely no self-respect, a cropped baseball bearing a trite slogan, and the guarantee of at least four overzealous, overweight nerds telling you why Jack Nicholson was better.

deluxe-suicide-squad-harley-quinn-costumeAll women are deserving of respect but some are more deserving than others.

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