It’s an urge that happens to the best of us. It doesn’t matter how hot your revenge body is or how happy you are with your Tinder settle-swipe – everyone is susceptible to that sudden pang of nostalgia, the glossy, earnest yearning for a time gone by, the sweet idiocy of forgetting all of the bad and remembering only the good. Maybe you just heard a snippet of Jack & Diane on the radio; maybe your self-loathing is just particularly active in the fall. Whatever the reason, I’m here to tell you one thing:
Don’t do it.
Since you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming that you’re an Intellectual and I don’t need to tell you why you shouldn’t call your ex. Instead, I’m going to give you some other things to do until the self-destructive urge passes.
1. Hang out with your kids
There’s nothing to get your mind off of your steamy, spontaneous past love affairs than spending time with your children! It’s essentially impossible to maintain any semblance of romantic notion with sticky fingers yanking on the hem of your shirt, especially when you legally cannot ignore them. That’s right, you hot-blooded woman – you may have been an insatiable panther back in days of yore, but now you are Mom*.
Mom: The equivalent of an eighteen-year-long cold shower.
*This is a joke. Please do not furiously comment that you are a mom and still hot & horny – I believe you, okay? I am also a hot & horny mom. Every mom is horny and most are hot. Look, I put in a picture of a hot mom just to assuage your frazzled nerves.
2. Volunteer at an animal shelter
Don’t have kids?
Wow, rub it in. Don’t despair! You can spend your days with other babies – other soft, sweet babies who are guaranteed to love you and take your mind off its own temporary insanity. Your local animal shelter is likely always accepting volunteers to socialize the cats and dogs, meaning your afternoon is booked. If you’re lucky, they also have a designated ‘kitten room’ where you can just lie on the floor and be adorably mauled by small, fuzzy bundles of mewling and claws.
I can’t not post this gif.
3. Clean your bathroom
Yeah, you’re right, this one sucks. I’d honestly rather call my ex and deal with the inevitable humiliating regret/emotional fallout than scrub the weird porcelain foot of my toilet. But you are likely made of stronger stuff than I, in which case break out your rubber gloves and get going, sister.
4. Read Harry Potter fanfiction
This one is my favorite because it is genuinely a good time. Doesn’t it sound fun?! Seven books and the entirety of Pottermore just isn’t enough, I know, but the good news is there are tons of people who feel the exact same way and they have unofficially expanded the universe for you!
… No? This doesn’t sound like fun? It’s just me? Fine, whatever, go call your ex. But don’t come crying to me when you find out he’s actually married to an L.A. 8 and didn’t recognize your voice when you greeted him, ‘hey, it’s me!’
(Just kidding, you can always come crying to me about anything. Especially Harry Potter fanfiction.)
5. Take a bath
A good one, too. Not like a regular fill-up-the-tub-and-flop-in bath; I mean a really good one, where you break out your various bottles of colored goo and perfume the entire bathroom with a scent stronger than a freaking Lush store. But wait – don’t get in yet.
First, position a speaker close enough to drown out the sounds of the rest of existence but far enough away so it doesn’t feel like John Legend is actually in the bath with you. Unless that’s your thing, in which case hell yes. Then, grab a tablet queued up with Netflix but nothing too romantic, nothing that will fuel the need to call your ex.
And lastly and perhaps most importantly, resist the urge to drink. It’s true that Bath Beers are the ultimate form of relaxation, but nothing makes it easier to bear your stripped soul to an ex-boyfriend than inebriation.
Just… bear your sole to fantasy John Legend instead. Chrissy won’t mind.
This is her ‘feel free to objectify my husband’ face.