6 Kinds of Sex for 6 Different Songs

On Wednesdays I write useless posts to make you laugh. Here is one about music and sex, two of my favorite things. Unless you’re my mom or brother, in which case I am a virgin and my favorite things are music and imagining what sex will one day be like.

I’ll Make Love to You, Boyz II Men

Gird your loins for some very earnest sex. This is a classic bedroom song and if your partner has chosen it, it means they want to run their hands all over your beautiful body and smear their mouth sensually up and down your neck. Also, there will be fingering. Like, excessive fingering. Way too much fingering, probably, but they seem to be having a good time and you can probably still get there if you’re just patient.

You’ll have an orgasm after approximately an hour and one whispered, frustrated, ‘are you close?’

Do You Mind, the xx

You’re edgy and cool and your sex will reflect this. Shower thoroughly before hand because a little bit of butt stuff is absolutely on the menu. Actually, make sure you’re in a good headspace because honestly, you kinky visionaries, butt stuff will be the mildest of the things you’re about to do to one another. And yes, I am talking a full psychological strip-down.

Your orgasm will come (ha) but it will be at your own hand after you’ve exhausted and abused your body into otherwise uselessness.

Partition, Beyonce

If you hear the opening bars to this song and you know it’s about to go down, make sure you chug a liter of water because you’re gonna need to be very hydrated for what’s about to happen. Yall about to get up to some nasty shit. If you’re not at least a little bruised up by the time this romp is done, you clearly didn’t have Queen Bey turned up loud enough.

You will have a very intense, toe-curling orgasm and your nipples will ache for days afterward.

Cherry Wine, Hozier

This is going to be good, slow, intimate sex. There will probably be perfect mood lighting, like a single-bulb antique lamp, or thrown-open curtains as it rains softly during the golden hour. Whatever the lighting situation, Hozier’s pouty, dulcet tones will caress you far better than any lover will, so a partner is actually pretty optional here.

You’re guaranteed multiple orgasms.

To a T, Ryan Hurd

Get ready for some cute married people sex. This is the kind of sex you have after you’ve gone on your 723869th date, you’ve both had a few glasses of wine, and you’re going home to your shared residence. There won’t be any fuzzy handcuffs; instead there will be full-coverage cotton panties and a lot of giggling, with sloppy kissing and some reverse cowgirl.

You will come within thirty seconds of each other and then pass out without brushing your teeth.

Any song by Dave Matthews Band

Don’t bother buckling up because this is going to be one song length’s worth of missionary without eye contact. Or, worse, one song length’s worth of missionary with prolonged eye contact. You will both get inexplicably sweaty despite the lack of any real exertion and someone will probably cry afterwards (him).

You will fake your orgasm and reassure him you ‘really did have a good time, promise.’

What are your sexiest song suggestions? I want to hear them. Clearly I need to broaden my library. If you want to listen to this playlist full of misfit toys, follow this link. Xoxo, Grace

image credit to Charles

Leave a Reply