My life is currently in shambles, since I’m now six months pregnant with no idea what’s going to happen in my career living in a brand new state that thinks 30 degrees is ‘comfortable.’ Everything is a complete and utter Charlie foxtrot, and I should really delve into it all through some therapeutic writing, and maybe achieve some sort of catharsis through blogging.
But I’m not gonna!
Instead, in an act of further procrastination/running from my problems, I’m going to rank the members of One Direction – current and former, though really current should be written as “current” since those rich lil mofos aren’t gonna reform any time soon/ever – by level of fuckboyishness.
Let us begin.
Number 5: Niall Horan
Call it the Luck of the Irish, or maybe just call it good parenting, but either way, Niall has managed to come out of the entire ‘manufactured boyband’ debacle relatively unscathed. He’s undoubtedly the most inoffensive Direction, since the most heated thing he’s ever done is take to twitter to angrily implore his fans to stop stalking which, like, fair enough.
He seems like the kind of guy who would legitimately take you on his fake date scenario from the Night Changes music video – board games and a goldendoodle in front of a crackling fire, look it up and culture yourself – and would actually text you later that night to make sure you got home safe. Also, he allegedly dates fans (but only super hot ones, so don’t get too excited) so you know you’ve got a chance.
Number 4: Liam Payne
This was a tricky one since honestly, Liam does give off some pretty fuckboy-ish vibes between the hand tattoo and glut of selfies on his instagram. That being said, he’s still relatively low on the list simply because he seems way too earnest and tryhard to successfully pull the wool over any woman’s eyes, and also I’m pretty sure he’s the rebound ‘younger man’ for a famous English singer. (Which, speaking of, didn’t anyone tell Cheryl Cole that you don’t get knocked up by the rebound piece?! Either way, mazel. I’ve sure got no room to judge when it comes to accident babies.)
He seems like the kind of guy who would take you to the Olive Garden and encourage you to have as many breadsticks as you want, since he’s paying. The night after, he’d send you a text at 11 PM that reads only ‘u up? ;)’ and double text if you don’t answer within fifteen minutes.
Look at him. He means well.
Number 3: Louis Tomlinson
Louis, or as I affectionately call him, Dirty Direction, is the textbook definition of a fuckboy. He walks around in public barefoot, he sports a scraggly stache/wispy beard combo, he has an affinity for tracksuits even though he clearly doesn’t lift, and he’s essentially the poster boy for how even chavs can rise to the top against all odds. He also knocked up a bar hookup which is just bad form. Seriously, didn’t anyone teach the Directions how to use condoms?
And yet, all of that being said, he is somehow, against all odds, my favorite Direction. The few times I’ve seen him interviewed he’s pretty fucking obnoxious, and he seems like the sort of guy who would ask you out only to spend the entire ‘date’ smoking pot and showing you the cool vinyl collection that actually turns out the be his roommate’s. Also, I’m not totally convinced he showers regularly.
I think it’s because he has like 82 siblings and a sweet relationship with all of them/his mom, or maybe because he genuinely seems sort of insecure, even now, after half a decade of success and a jillion dollars in the bank. I mean, I get it, sort of, since he’s the only Direction whose name I didn’t know after they’d been big for like, three years. Either way, he’s a fuckboy but he’s my fuckboy, so please step off.
Number 2: Harry Styles
Harry really shouldn’t be this high on the list. He’s a goddamned angel, with manners and class and kindness and levels of sophistication that the rest of us bottom-feeders can only aspire to. He has beautiful hair and soulful eyes and an impeccable sense of self and yet when I see him, I am indignant. I think it’s because he is so far out of my league, even for friendship, that it enrages me. No human should be so beautiful and charismatic and talented, no one. It’s bullshit.
But also because he sort of seems like the guy who would take you out on a balls-out amazing date, blow your mind in bed until dawn, and then the next day be like ‘I had a good time, I’ll call you,’ and then actually call you. And then the two of you strike up a beautiful relationship and he’s the perfect gentleman and he gets you a kitten for Christmas and another kitten for your birthday and really, everything is great, but the whole time you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop because how could someone so freakin’ amazing want anything to do with you?! And then you cheat on him with Dirty Direction in an attempt to self-sabotage and ruin the best thing you ever effing had.
… So this might actually have more to do with my own issues than any fault of Harry’s. But basically, he makes me feel like Louise Belcher in the Boyz 4 Now episode of Bob’s Burgers, and no one makes me feel my own feelings. #2 is what you get, Styles.
Number 1: Zayn Malik aka ZAYN
He’s SO PRETTY but he’s SO TERRIBLE. Firstly, he quit One Direction to be a ‘normal twenty-whatever year old,’ which, fine, sure, okay, I guess I get where fame and adoration and tons of money could get wearing. Secondly, he dropped a mediocre album where the titles of every song were wRiTteN sTyLiZeD LiKe ThiS meaning he finally got in touch with his inner tween girl but without the fun Lisa Frank album cover that should’ve accompanied. Thirdly, he’s in 2016’s most obnoxious relationship which is impressive since, again, remember Hiddleswift? No? Yeah, that sounds about right.
He seems like the kind of guy who would take you out to an arthouse foreign film and want to get fake-deep and discuss it afterwards, only to get pissy when you won’t give him a handy in the front seat of his car. He seems like the kind of guy to leverage his family dog dying to ask you for nudes. He seems like the kind of guy who ‘hates going down’ but gets personally affronted when you’re not in a ‘giving’ mood. … I don’t know what it says about me that all of these scenarios are pulled directly from ex-boyfriends, but it’s probably nothing good.
The top of the heap is where you belong, Zayn. I would say please don’t get into a twitter feud with me about it like you’re so fond of doing, but let’s be real, I’m a pleb and he’s still leagues out of my league and that would make my life. He may be a fuckboy, but his voice forgives all sins.
Anyway, now I’m gonna go pretend like I didn’t just write useless and undeserved vitriol about a boy band for thirty minutes and hope to god that my little sister and in-laws don’t read this.