There’s a lot going on behind the scenes now at HTLYT : we’re bringing on a new writer for you in the New Year, Jess is finally free of my nagging, and I’m spending my time making actual graphs and trying to figure out if all of this is ‘really worth it.’ (The consensus so far: nothing is. I am so tired.)
But change is difficult and mostly scary, and I don’t want to think about that right now. Instead, let’s think about presents.
It’s only December 6th, which means your most organized friends have already had their Christmas shopping done for a month while the rest of us cretins are still busy trying to come up with a list of people to buy for beyond ‘myself, okay, it’s been a tough year and I don’t need your judgment, Orie.’
While I can’t help you complete your list, I can definitely help you with suggestions. And some of them are even legitimate.
1. 2018 Australian Firefighters Calendar – $15.21
Every year – every freaking year – I ask someone for this calendar, and every year I am rebuffed. I think it might be because I want it too badly now; it’s gotten weird, and I will never forget my mother-in-law’s uneasy laugh when I once told her very seriously that this was all I wanted for Christmas.
Don’t make your friends go through that embarrassment. Anticipate their needs. Buy them this calendar before they have to ask. And hey – all proceeds go to a good cause.
This is a good gift for your best friend, your token gay friend, or your cool cousins. This is not a good gift for your very Baptist mother-in-law.
2. This creepy-ass ring made by Gwenyth Paltrow – $4,000
Okay, so maybe the ring isn’t technically made by Pepper Potts herself, but it’s peddled on her creepy website so I imagine she had a hand in it.
I personally love it because the eye is green and my eyes are green so I want to narcissistically give one to everyone I know with a note that says, ‘I’m watching you.’ Unfortunately I’m not made of money and also it looks like a prop ring ripped off the hand of a reanimated mummy in a B-roll action movie.
This is a good gift for your husband’s mistress or Jessica Francois. This is not a good gift for anyone suffering lingering effects of the recession.
3. Daddy’s Little Monster Ugly Sweater – $39.99
I love the ‘ugly Christmas sweater’ trend, especially because as the years progress, they get less and less ugly. I’ve already worn my Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Muggle sweater three times this year, and we’re only six days into December. This gift option should really be right up my alley, but instead…. Instead it’s Harley Quinn a la Suicide Squad.
I love you so much, Margot Robbie. Now and forever. I just don’t think I’m ready to forgive you for that movie. … But please still call me if you see this so we can hang out and like, I don’t know, talk about what Sebastian Stan smells like and I can fail the Bechdel test in real life.
This is a good gift for the sucky coworker you got in Secret Santa or your preteen stepsister who’s ‘misunderstood.’ This is not a good gift for anyone you like.
4. This… tie… – $39.99
Alright, so it’s marketed as a ‘Chewbacca’ tie but are you freaking serious, it’s literally just a screen-printed image of brown hair on a tie with a forty dollar price tag.
If this doesn’t automatically strike you as ludicrously asinine, then this tie is probably for you! Quick, go ahead and place your order now, they might run out!!!
This gift is for your college dropout brother or your weed dealer. This gift is not for anyone you might someday like to have sex with.
5. Unicorn Bottle Opener – $9
What better way to tell someone you love them than by gifting them a gold unicorn head that can also open beers? … Maybe gifting them the beers, but that’s neither here nor there.
This unicorn bottle opener is majestic as hell, with its flowing locks and dead, pupil-less eyes. It’s also under ten dollars which is the real selling point here, and it’s sold by Modcloth, which means that you only need $40 more to reach free shipping so you might as well add some cute flats and blouses for you to your order. Treat yo’self.
This gift is for your Kim, your mom, or yourself. This gift is not for the recovering alcoholics in your life.
6. Colin Firth Lifesize Cutout – $79.97
Colin Firth is a cross-generational sexpot so this gift can be as versatile as you need it to be. Just go ahead and buy it now to have it on hand; that way, if you find out at the last minute that you forgot to buy someone a gift, you can whip this baby out.
And hey, if you don’t forget to get anyone a gift, good news! You now have a date to your mom’s family’s Christmas party.
This is a good gift for your aunt in the throes of menopause or your favorite pervert. This is not a good gift for your heterosexual boyfriend.
7. Just a whole shitload of vodka – $????
2017 was a weird freaking year. Our president openly endorsed pedophiles, Putin is our new dad, I had another baby, and Hugh Hefner’s immortality was finally returned to the Queen. There was a lot of good, too, but even that was tainted by the bizarre; the best thing we can do now is drink.
Drink your way through December and pour one out for me when you do. I am desperate to join you but I have too many damn kids and I’m slowly dying. Just make sure the martini is vodka, not gin.
And Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Muggles.