1.There are only 59 sleeps left until Christmas. That’s right, yall. Maybe you chafe at the sight of Target already moving the Thanksgiving decor to the back to make room for absurdly giant fake pine trees, but I sure don’t. I’m going to buy three.
2.Corgi puppies! Think of their outlandish, slinky-like bodies and long-running relationship with good ole Queen Lizzie and bask in the warmth that permeates your heart.
The appropriate amount of regality for a descendant of Victoria and Albert. © Getty
3.That time when Ron Stoppable and Kim Possible finally kissed. Sure, he maybe got speared by her pointy boobs, but everyone’s shame-secret OTP was finally realized.
4.Scenarios involving serendipitously bumping into Toni Mahfud that progress from rom-com adorable to triple-x filthy.
5.Hiddleswift. Do yall remember that? lol
6.The plans you’ve already made to absolutely tear up those candy sales on November 1st. Sure, Halloween will be fun, but think of all those marked-down Starburst you’re going to eat come November.
7.How seriously the 1988 film Heathers took the dramatic principle of Chekhov’s gun.
Winona, you idiot, whose idea of a joke is to go and pretend-shoot two jocks in the woods?! © The Film Industry
8.What exactly Ryan Murphy has planned for the remainder of American Horror Story: Roanoke Clusterfuck. Will he issue a formal apology for making us watch Evan Peters die twice in one season? How about a long-overdue explanation for the Pig Man? Maybe Agnes will go even more meta and act as The Butcher acting as Agnes acting as The Butcher acting as Kathy Bates. Wow, wouldn’t that be a doozy?
9.All of that stuff you still have left to do. God, it’s a lot of stuff. You really probably shouldn’t have put off doing all that stuff. And the time you’re spending reading this could really be spent better, maybe by doing at least a little bit of that stuff you didn’t do. Woops!
12.Any virus, really.
13.The utter futility of life and existence, and the foolhardiness in trying at all. Why bother? We’ll all die anyway. Even those corgis.
(But embracing total nihilism is still preferable to this godawful election.)