Happy Gilmore Girls Day/Black Friday! For those of you reading this on your phones in dim lighting as you try to nurse off your Thanksgiving hangovers, namaste. For those of you reading this in line for Black Friday deals, haven’t you heard of Cyber Monday? Also, ABH is having a massive sale, you’re welcome.
Anyway, I hope you all had a great time ruining your waistlines and suffering through your distant relative’s defensive monologue on why they voted for Trump and how it definitely wasn’t for racist reasons. I spent my T-day honoring the genocidal pilgrims by ruining a pumpkin mousse dish and taking snapchat videos of my dog. I mean, toddler. (I mean dog.)
Not everything was rosy this past week, though. Besides the massive amount of actual work I’m having to suddenly do at my job and Hot Office Guy regaling me with stories about how much he loves his wife, I also submitted an article somewhere. While it didn’t exactly get rejected, it also didn’t get picked up. The ghosting stings, but I respect that this might not fit their vibe.
But, never one to waste a piece of garbage writing, I’ve decided to post it here instead! I hope it warms you up inside almost as much as that spiked eggnog you’re trying to hide from your little cousins.
It’s officially snowed in New England, which means screw you, Thanksgiving, it’s Christmas season. You’re a pretty racist holiday anyway, go sit over there with Pilgrim Hilary Duff and her unimportant boyfriend.
What a weird faux pas to commit. I genuinely believe that she just had that pilgrim outfit lying around and figured she could repurpose it, since she seems like a nicegirl who says things like ‘repurpose’.
To celebrate this late-November Christmas miracle, I’ve made a list of all the best holiday songs ranked by betchiness. Turn it into a playlist to listen to on repeat when your decrepit aunts try to talk to you over their dry-ass turkey dinner.
10. Baby It’s Cold Outside
This song made it in because it’s a classic banger and we all know the words, but it’s sitting at the bottom because it’s predatory as hell. Not even Idina Menzel and Michael Buble’s half-hearted attempts can make date rape sexy, and the lyrics literally include ‘say, what’s in this drink?’
Likely a favorite of Bill Cosby and President-Elect Flaming Hot, this Christmas song is cooling its creepy heels at the bottom of the list for glamorizing not taking ‘no’ for an answer and possibly drugging women. A real bummer, because scoring non-ruphied free drinks from desperate guys is definitely betchy.
9. Wonderful Christmastime
Paul McCartney is eternally sexy, which makes this song automatically betchy. It helps that the lyrics are basically all about drunkenly partying in the frozen moonlight, but the mention of a children’s choirs cuts way down on the appeal. I can think of no bigger boner-kill than a herd of kids draped in choir robes singing ‘ding dong’ as I try to get shitty. Number nine is what you deserve, Wings.
8. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
Alright, so this song is pretty betchy. It’s about getting free stuff from an old white dude who wears crushed red velvet, which is basically the equivalent of having a high-profile sugar daddy. Unfortunately it also details how Santa is a kinky freaky who watches you when you’re asleep and keeps tabs on whether you’re naughty or nice to fuel his own weird needs. If you’re into that sort of thing, that’s cool, but for the most part, this song’s betchiness isn’t strong enough to outweigh the ick.
His beard is so big because it’s full of secrets.
7. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
This song is fairly betchy since it’s another party anthem. It’s basically a Christmas-themed key party, with mistletoe hung up everywhere and couples trying to sneak a stealthy grope underneath it. There’s also mention of pumpkin pie – very betchy – and dancing, but it loses the thread at caroling. Caroling is for nicegirls with homeschool hair and Black Beauty fetishes, not the sort of BSCB who would get shitfaced at a Christmas couples’ swap.
6. Last Christmas
Firstly, for this song to qualify as betchy at all, it must be the WHAM! version. Do not sully this list with Taylor Swift fuckery. Secondly, while this song is a total feel-good number and an insta-nostalgia burst, the lyrics are way too depressing to get any higher than number six. Yeah, getting dumped sucks, but be a true betch and douse the wound in some supermarket red while watching too much KUWTK. Don’t take out your depressing heartbreak on us.
5. Santa Baby
Calm your tits before you angrily tweet at me how this song should be number one. It is supremely betchy, I admit, but around a third of the way through it slips from ‘alright, girl, go on, we’re with you, pull in that convertible and yacht’ to ‘what the dick are you going to do with a platinum mine?’ Yeah, free stuff is betchy as hell, and we’re all about manipulating fuckboys into funding our lavish lifestyle. But even Santa, sex-maniac sugar daddy that he is, deserves some respect, and when you start demanding a duplex and checks, you lose us.
4. All I Want for Christmas Is You
This song is ranked so highly solely because that little girl in Love Actually was a supreme betch. She had Liam Neeson’s adorable English stepson breaking about forty security laws in the goddamned airport just so he could tell her Merry Christmas. Plus, she proved she knew how to play the game when she pointed at him first, and then pointed at every single other audience member just to fuck with his head. We applaud you, tween betch.
Thank you for this gift, 1994 Mariah Carey. You can sit with us.
3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
It took me nearly two decades on this earth to realize that this song isn’t about a sordid and illicit affair with Santa. You can see that I’ve long had a skewed perception of Santa. Probably daddy issues, I don’t know, who cares. Anyway, this song isn’t about a kid seeing his mom tonguing the actual Kris Kringle and having an ensuing existential crisis about what’s going to become of his family, where will he live if they divorce, oh god, should he even tell his dad?
Instead, it’s about two parents sharing a gross but sort of cute moment while setting up Christmas presents. Betches never get sentimental, but if they did, that’d be pretty heart-warming. Plus, maybe that shitty kid will learn not to go sneaking around in the future, lest he get more than he bargained for. He’s honestly lucky he only witnessed a kiss.
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph is an uncontested betch. Everyone basically shit on him his whole life for being different, and he managed to turn his difference into something super-useful and betchy when he earned the HBIC spot pulling Santa’s sleigh. That’s right, Dasher and Dancer and Cupid and who the fuck cares, eat your shallow little hearts out and enjoy the view of Rudolph’s ass from the back of the sleigh-pulling queue. Rudolph, you can always sit with us.
1. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow
At top spot is the song that inspired this list. Because what’s betchier than having such a life of luxury that you don’t even give a fuck if there’s a full-on blizzard outside, since you have literally nothing to do?
This entire song is betchy from start to finish. It’s about a couple chilling in front of a fire being like ‘who cares if it snows? We have nothing to do’, probably feeding each other fondue and laughing at the idea of poors struggling over icy roads on their way to ‘jobs’ and ‘responsibilities’. There’s also mood lighting, romance, and extended ‘good-byeing’, which probably just means copious amounts of oral sex on a bearskin rug because why not.
Or ‘let it snow’ could just be a thinly veiled coke reference, in which case we don’t condone since true betches leave all that shit behind sophomore year of college after they nearly get busted with Kyle from KA.
Either way, betches love this song.