© DC Comics
It’s a monumental period for women’s representation in the media. Rey and Jinn from Star Wars, the ladies of Game of Thrones, the cast of Hidden Figures, Jodie Whittaker as the first female Doctor. This influx of well-written, inspiring women is awesome and long-awaited, and yet none of them are quite as vital, quite as badass as two female leads in particular: Diana of Themyscira, better known as Wonder Woman, and the titular character of Rocky Flinstone’s breakout erotic sensation, Belinda Blinked.
That’s right, girls and guys. This is a Feminism-Off between Wonder Woman and the queen of pots and pans herself… Belinda Blumenthal.
Let’s start with the basics. At her core, Wonder Woman is an Amazon, born of the Amazonian Queen Hippolyta, clay, and sheer willpower. She has an unflagging moral compass, unparalleled combat skills, and has proven time and again that she is not above paying the highest price – self-sacrifice – for the sake of the greater good.
And then there is Belinda. Belinda, who has managed to climb up the lube-slippery rungs of the pots and pans industry with her delicate, skilled hands and weathered such horrors as self-aware Brazilians and the papery, pancake-thin breasts of the Duchess of Epsom. Despite these obstacles, she has still managed to come out on top (literally) in a male-dominated industry.
So how do these women hold up in the face of modern feminist standards?
Wonder Woman is literally a superhero, which earns her major points since every large-scale superhero film to date has featured a male protagonist. Her film has shattered the glass ceiling of the testosterone-heavy comic book world and paved the way for future kickass female super-characters. She also dedicates her life to fighting off global-scale threats to save everyone, which is very cool and embodies the feminist tenet of equality. Anything a man can do, so can she. Her aforementioned moral compass keeps her on the arrow-straight path to justice and ensures that she strikes a balance in her own actions, meaning she is conscious of the means she employs to achieve her ends.
On the other hand, we have Belinda. Belinda is a scrappy, self-motivated sales director at Steele’s Pots and Pans, a cutthroat company where you must be willing to do heinous things for the greater good. Unlike Wonder Woman, Belinda has absolutely no moral compass and will do anything – seriously, anything – to achieve her ends. There is no act too depraved, no penis too small, no dildo too black. Her story is one of female triumph as she shatters a glass ceiling of her own: that of the pots and pans industry. She is the spirit of modern-day feminism, with a no-holds-barred attitude and no qualms with rolling her sleeves up and getting dirty. Really, really dirty.
As for each character’s outside support, it couldn’t be more different. Wonder Woman has her Lasso of Truth, her bullet-proof wristguards, and the entire Justice League in her camp, whereas Belinda has her raw sexual charisma, tumbling tits, and a veritable menagerie of bizarre friends to back her as necessary. If it came down to Aquaman versus Bella, you better believe I’d put my money on Bella to blow her way out of any situation with a finesse that Aquaman’s brute strength just couldn’t beat. And if her mouth failed her, that ear-bleeding accent would definitely debilitate her attackers long enough for her to escape.
It’s a close call, to be sure, but after careful analysis the verdict is that Belinda Blumenthal, for sheer pluck and determination, is the embodiment of feminism in 2017. Like any good feminist, she is unintimidated by her male counterparts and impervious to any attempts at slut-shaming. She’s a #girlhelpinggirls, using her status in the company to connect with and support fellow feminists like the short-lived Donna, her balding friend Giselle, and her lover Peter’s wife Christina. She can take a beating (as evidenced by everyone’s crude, horrifying handling of her cervix) and remain standing.
She’s tough, resilient, and hungry for more. And while the same can be said for Wonder Woman, Belinda’s lust for life (and penis) as well as her willingness to do anything to get what she wants makes her 2017’s feminist icon.