I was supposed to get out of my comfort zone and go on five New York Tinder dates this summer, but I watched Supergirl on Netflix instead. Here’s what (probably) would have happened if I had followed through.
Jack. Twenty-eight. New York City. Likes alliteration, which is a plus. Works as an AI Ethicist, which means he’s either going to start our war against the machines or stop it, and frankly that seemed like a little too much pressure either way.
We meet at an indie coffee shop in Manhattan that has really good reviews on yelp. The conversation is fairly predictable but interspersed with perky phrases of encouragement. These morale boosters seem sweet at first, though a bit random, but they start to increase in frequency until they have overtaken the whole conversation. Jack has an odd twitch to his eye and grimace to his smile, and I’m trying to think of a polite way to exit.
Suddenly, an older, more rugged Jack bursts into the room. He fires a futuristic weapon that rips half of other Jack’s head off, revealing him to be a robot in human skin.
“You’re doing great!” says robo-Jack. Men with suits and weapons and the same odd grimace burst into the room.
Rugged Jack extends a hand to me and says, “Come with me if you want to live.”
I’m completely at a loss because I haven’t seen any of the Terminator movies. 2/5 stars.
Twenty-four. New Orleans. His profile info just says “Slide.” I don’t know what that means.
I turn down the shooting range date because I’m convinced that it’s all a part of a giant scheme to get my prints onto a gun he’s used to murder someone. Instead, we go to a park and take naps. While he’s passed out, I take the opportunity to get his prints on a gun I’ve used to murder someone.
The tables have turned. 5/5 stars.
Tom. Twenty-seven. He has three tamagotchis that he needs help raising.
He brings two Tamagotchis with him to the movies – the third tragically passed of neglect before the date. He and Miranda Kerr make excellent Tamagotchi co-parents. I watch them from the back row of the theatre, which isn’t creepy at all because I brought them together with my catfishing.
Unfortunately, they get kicked out of the theatre once Tamagotchi number two (Henry, to those who know him best) starts beeping. It really kills the mood. 1/5 stars.
Eli. Twenty-four. Likes scrabble, wine, and wants someone to learn to dance with. His profile features two puppies and one shirtless photo.
We go to a beginner’s salsa dancing lesson together. I adorably trip into him while we’re dancing. Afterward, we get milkshakes at an old school diner and I talk about all the cool indie bands I know and my weird, unique hobby. He tells me I’m not like other girls and projects all of his hopes and dreams onto me. I realize this a few dates in. It’s a burden I’m not ready to handle, so we get into an argument in the rain and I storm off.
He makes a grand gesture at Grand Central Station with the help of my best friend. It’s really weird that he’s this into me after just a few dates, so I super awkwardly walk away. 0/5 stars.
Jin. Twenty-four. Looking for people to kick it with. Likes penguins.
We go to a fancy restaurant where the waiter matches my napkin to my clothes. Jin orders the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. We have a lovely evening talking about everything from dessert to Dance Moms to criminal justice reform. He makes me laugh a lot. Afterward, we go to the zoo, where he’s reserved a private meet-and-greet with the penguins. I start to realize that I judge people too harshly based on their first message on Tinder.
Discovering flaws in myself sucks. 0/5 stars.
Have you been on a dating app date? An imaginary one? Are Bumble dates more or less weird than Tinder ones? Help me learn dating in the comments please because my eighteen year old brother is pressuring me to give him nieces and nephews.
photo courtesy of chiara