I recently re-experienced the joys of being vodka daydrunk while at a bachelorette party, but things are different now. I’m in my late twenties. My body has created and expelled two whole human beings. Things are starting to deteriorate. I can’t go as hard as I used to, and when I try, I only end up suffering.
Needless to say, I had a monster of a hangover for the entirety of Sunday. Don’t let my mistakes be your mistakes. Here are some ways to nurse yourself back to health because let’s be real, it’s a hangover – you did this to yourself and ain’t no one gonna bail you out, you animal.
1. Low lights, low volume, low effort
The last thing you wanna do when you’re slowly dying of dehydration is pretend like you’re not. Just throw in the towel – cancel every plan for the next 24 hours. Your day is a wash. Turn off every light, set the TV volume to ‘murmur,’ and don’t move from your couch. If you have kids that require your attention and care, throw some Goldfish on the floor and fill up a few water bowls. They’re relegated to pets today. The only thing you are the mother of is the throbbing pain behind your temples.
2. Water. So much water.
Ideally, you want to drink a ton of water while you’re getting hammered. My rule of thumb is two swigs of water for every sip of alcohol, but I tend to completely forget around drink four or five. Combat some of that sickly garbage feeling by chugging a bunch of water as often as possible; dehydration is where most of the hangover discomfort comes from.
The thing that always makes me feel better when I’m hungover is naps. Seriously, it’s so simple but so effective. Skip the aspirin since they’re actually bad for you when you’re hungover and just conk out for a few hours. You’re gauranteed to feel at least marginally better when you wake up. And if you don’t wake up til the next day? Great! You’re cured! Probably!
4. Avoid caffeine
I know it sounds painful, but caffeine is not your friend right now. Caffeine has a dehydrating effect on the body which is the exact opposite of what you need right now – don’t even bother with decaf, because a. what’s the point and b. it tastes gross anyway. Trust me – water. Water is your pal. You can hop back on the caffeine bandwagon tomorrow.
5. Eat something protein-y
There is nothing quite as satisfying as gross, greasy food the day after a drinking binge, and for good reason. Protein breaks down into amino acids, which detoxify your liver and help speed up recovery. There has never been a more beautiful justification for ordering a double quarter pounder. If you’re worried about carbs, just lose the bun!
6. Have a Bloody Mary
So we all know the phrase ‘hair of the dog’ because it’s fucking gross and our creepy uncles used to say it when we were little. And while there is some truth to the sentiment – if you introduce new alcohol into your body, it will be too distracted focusing on metabolizing that to keep punishing you for last night – it’s not the best choice for a cure. If you’re gonna go for a drink, though, you might as well make it a Bloody Mary, since the high salt content helps you retain water and combat dehydration. The tomato juice also helps absorb the alcohol, and, best of all, they taste so damn good.
7. Swear you’ll never drink again
This one doesn’t actually do anything for your physical state, but it’s in inevitable part of the hangover process. It’s the comforting lie we all tell ourselves when we’re at our lowest, only to completely drop it as soon as the next change to get weird falls into our laps. … Unless that’s just me. But I don’t think it is. I know y’all is freaks.
9. Bury yourself
If you wanna go real traditional – and I mean real traditional – you can just do like the old-school Irish did and… bury yourself. It’s an old Irish legend that the quickest way to cure a hangover was to straight up bury yourself in damp river sand. It helps that Ireland is a cold-ass country, so basically you get all the unpleasant effects of a cold shower with the added bonus of sand in all your crevices!
Oh, old-timey Ireland. Never change.
What works best for getting rid of your hangovers? Let us know, since wedding season is coming up and I’ll doubtlessly have forgotten about my sobriety vow by then.
image courtesy of sylvie