The older I get, the more I realize an ugly truth about myself: I am kind of a judgmental jerk.
I don’t mean to be. In fact, I actively try not to be. But I think my waning interest in placating even the most irritating people has something to do with my finite fuck budget.
The Finite Fuck Budget theory is one that states you are born with a finite number of fucks to give. As you get older, your fucks are forced into different areas than before. For example, when you’re a kid, you can spend all your fucks on pleasing everyone else with only a few required for things like school and your soccer club or whatever. But when you grow up, you’re forced to pledge your fucks elsewhere: they all go to work and rent and rosé. This means there are fewer fucks left over for lesser matters like ‘pretending to give a crap about astrology.’
Don’t worry – there are ways to navigate conversations about star signs without being a mega-tool. Allow me to share my wisdom.
Actually take an interest
I know, I know – this one seems difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. There’s something a little narcissistic in all of us, and reading about yourself – or things that are similar to your perceived ‘self’ – is always gratifying. Check out your horoscope, why don’t you.
Instead of crapping on your friend for caring about star signs, try to care a little about what she cares about. This requires expending a fuck, but maybe only like… half of one. When she’s reading her horoscope and telling you all about the mysterious changes Jupiter in fourth position will bestow on her, read your own and point out how much more fun it is to be a Leo than a Capricorn.
This translates to ‘resist the urge to point out how absolutely unrelated regular life events are to astrology.’
You know your friend’s month is shitty because of completely avoidable circumstances like paying bills on time and remembering to eat fiber, but now is not the time to condescend. Let her blame her moon sign for the disruptions. It’s not hurting anybody and if it makes her feel better, be a bro. Curse Pisces rising with her.
Nod a lot and say nothing
Sometimes the best listeners are the quietest listeners. If someone you love seems incapable of having a conversation without peppering in little comments about how she ‘is such a gemini,’ hold your damn tongue. She’s having a good time – let her do her zodiac thing. Don’t be that friend who rains on parades for no discernible reason. This is a nice segue for…
Check yourself and remember you ain’t shit, either
Yeah, maybe astrology is stupid, and yeah, maybe your friend is way too smart to subscribe to that nonsense. But you invest your time and emotions in vapid stuff, too. If you say you don’t, you’re either a. lying or b. boring.
Before rolling your eyes the instant you hear the word ‘horoscope,’ consider all the bullshit ways you spent your time and energy in the last 24 hours. I’m looking at you, Nicholas Sparks readers and fellow Umbrella Academy binge-watchers.
Remember that this, too, shall pass
If you’re trapped in a zodiac-centric conversation with someone you don’t love, there’s no need to get huffy and start checking your watch. Instead, silently remind yourself that this moment is temporary and you are not an asshole. Maybe this conversation doesn’t exactly spark joy, but there’s no reason to throw it away with the end so near. Just nod, hold your tongue, make little ‘hmm’ sounds of acknowledgement, and daydream about sweet freedom from the phrase ‘as a taurus…’
Unless you’re on a plane. If you’re on a plane seated beside a chatty zodiac-lover, throw everything else out the window. This is an emergency situation and your sanity is on the line. Stuff in some headphones and feign deafness. Save yourself. You’re all out of fucks to give.
What safeguards do you have in place to ensure you aren’t a judgmental asshole? I wanna know, because I’m needing them more and more these days. Xoxo, Grace
image courtesy of annie